What is Unprocessed Grief? And How Do You Confront It?
When you experience loss, whether it's the death of a loved one, a divorce, or any other significant life change, it's natural to feel grief. Grief is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion. It's a normal response to loss and can help us come to terms with our new reality. However, sometimes grief doesn't resolve itself as expected.
Instead of gradually lessening over time, it lingers and can even intensify. This type of prolonged and intense grief is known as unprocessed grief. This type of grief occurs when you don't know how to confront it and work through the emotions associated with your loss. But honestly, that is painful and difficult work, so it's understandable that many of us try to avoid it –even subconsciously!
What is Unprocessed Grief?
Unprocessed grief is when you have experienced grief but haven't fully acknowledged, expressed, or worked through it. Everyone grieves differently, but unprocessed grief occurs when the emotions tied to a loss are ignored, suppressed, or are left unresolved. This is often due to avoidance, fear, or even a lack of support. Even your own central nervous system will lead you right to unprocessed grief. Why? Because the grief you experienced is SO heavy and heartbreaking that it sends you into "freeze mode" or makes it as if you feel “numb”. This happens when you don't have the tools or space or physical ability to process your feelings. Or, when you feel pressured from society or folx in your community to move on too quickly.
Now, what distinguishes unprocessed from the typical grieving process? In the latter, there is some level of acknowledgment, expression of feelings, and integration of emotions over time. Acknowledging grief can be painful. Yet, it allows for you to process as you begin to adjust to life without your loved one or your former sense of self or previous experiences. Whereas unprocessed grief tends to remain "stuck" in the body. It can lead you to suppress your emotions out of fear, avoid thinking about the loss, or feel as if you are unable to express your grief.
Unprocessed Grief Can Even Lead to Physical Symptoms
Over time, your unprocessed grief can lead to emotional numbness, as I mentioned above. This is due to your brain being in freeze mode. But, this can also manifest physically as well. You can experience fatigue or sleep disturbances. There is also a correlation between unprocessed grief, cancer, and autoimmune diseases. Yes, you read that correctly. Research has shown that unprocessed grief can have a negative impact on our physical health. Not only can it affect your physical health but it also affects your mental and emotional well-being. It’s no surprise that it can lead to chronic feelings of anger, guilt, depression, or even sadness, to the point it can interfere with your daily functioning, like AHHHH, I can’t get out of bed!
What Leads to Unprocessed Grief?
Unlike what you may think, unprocessed grief isn't always caused by one big loss or event. Unprocessed grief can literally arise from anything that feels like a loss to you. It's difficult to pinpoint the start of unprocessed grief because of varying situations or experiences. However, the most common one is when an individual experiencing grief hasn't had the space, support, or tools to fully process their emotions.
However, there are some situations that have been known to lead to unprocessed grief, such as:
Sudden or Unexpected Loss
When you experience a sudden loss, the grief may be intense and overwhelming. This can be the case in situations like a sudden death, natural disaster, or an unexpected break-up. The shock and disbelief coupled with the heartache can make it difficult to process the emotions associated with the loss. It leads to the suppression or delay of your grieving process because of the sheer intensity of having to jump into the action. This can lead you to not being able to fully process the grief in the immediate aftermath.
Ambiguous or Unresolved Loss
Grief from situations like missing persons, estranged relationships, or unresolved family drama can leave you with unprocessed emotions. The lack of “ability to make meaning” makes it tough to come to terms with the loss. When family tensions or unfinished business, like rocky relationships with parents, partners, or siblings, come into play, it only gets more intense. Guilt, regret, or lingering anger can hold you back from healing. Unsaid words and unresolved actions can keep you stuck in this grief loop, making it harder to move forward.
Unacknowledged or Disenfranchised Grief
When grief isn't recognized or validated by society, it can be really tough to handle. If you're grieving losses like a pet, an abortion, a miscarriage, or a relationship (like a divorce or breakup) you might find yourself downplaying or ignoring your feelings based on the responses you’ve received from others. This kind of disenfranchised grief can make you feel isolated and like your emotions don't matter. Which can block you from fully expressing and healing. Without a supportive circle, it becomes even tougher to process those emotions because, without close friends or family, there's no comfort. Without someone to lean on, grief often ends up internalized and unaddressed.
Cultural or Societal Expectations
Maybe you live in a culture or family where you're expected to "move on" quickly after a loss. This encourages you to suppress your emotions so that you can look as if you are strong or "doing okay." You might even be expected to "perform" your grief in socially acceptable ways, but without the proper time or support to feel it deeply. However, denying yourself the space to grieve can lead to unprocessed grief. Bottling up your grief creates a barrier to fully processing your emotions. It also creates a sense of guilt or shame for feeling emotions that are deemed "unacceptable." This can make it difficult to work through your grief in a healthy and productive way.
Trauma or Complicated Grief
Dealing with a traumatic loss, whether it's from a violent event, natural disaster, or accident, can really mess with how you process grief. PTSD can make the pain feel sharper, and things don't follow the usual grief path. If you already struggle with anxiety or depression, it might be even tougher to work through your emotions, leaving you feeling stuck because grief like any other emotion is TOUGH to navigate.
Long-Term or Chronic Illness
Grief can become prolonged or complicated when you're dealing with a loved one's long-term or chronic illness, like cancer or dementia. You might experience anticipatory grief, where you grieve before the actual loss, which can hinder your ability to fully experience the depth of grief once the loss occurs. Additionally, the ongoing responsibilities of caregiving could lead to emotional burnout, making it even tougher for you to process grief when the loss finally happens.
Sometimes, you might struggle with unresolved guilt or feel responsible for the loss, whether those feelings are rational or not. This is common if you think you could have done more to prevent the loss or believe you made a mistake that contributed to the loss (in other words, you might be blaming yourself and think that you caused the loss to occur in the first place). These feelings can keep you trapped in cycles of guilt and regret, blocking your path to recovery.
Compounded Grief or Grief Over Multiple Losses
Sometimes, you might experience multiple losses in a short period of time. This can be a loss of a loved one, a job, a home, and other significant events. These losses can compound on one another, making it even harder to process each individual grief at its own time. The weight of multiple losses can leave you feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained. This can lead to unprocessed grief that builds up over time, hindering your ability to grieve fully.
Children or Adolescents
When you experience grief as a child or adolescent, you may not have the emotional vocabulary or coping mechanisms to process grief. The grief can be expressed in behavior changes such as acting out, withdrawal, or anxiety or even bed-wetting. Children and adolescents may also feel a sense of responsibility for the loss, leading to feelings of guilt or shame. Without proper support and guidance, such as grief counseling in Los Angeles, childhood grief can become unprocessed and impact an individual's emotional well-being in the long term.
How to Confront Unprocessed Grief
Maybe you've realized that you have unprocessed grief from a past loss or are currently experiencing it. The first step you should take is addressing your unprocessed grief by acknowledging the grief and taking proactive steps to confront it. Grief can be complicated and intense, but with time, support, and certainly the right grief counselor, you can process it. Here are some first steps and therapeutic approaches that can help you confront unprocessed grief:
Acknowledge the Grief
The first step to confronting your unprocessed grief is acknowledging your grief exists and that it is affecting your life. Often, denial or avoidance of your grief prolongs the pain and suffering. It can help to recognize that grief doesn't have a fixed timeline, that it's okay to feel pain or loss. Even after a long period of time has passed since the loss, acknowledging it can be an essential part of the healing process. Give yourself the space and allow yourself to feel what you feel, all without judgment or self-criticism. Also, understand that grief doesn't always follow a specific "pattern". That it is okay to feel messy or complex emotions. If you are struggling with this first step, then the next step can be helpful.
Seek Support
Having a support system while you are grieving can make a significant difference in how you process and heal from your loss. This support can come from friends, family, grief support groups, or even a grief counselor in Los Angeles & throughout California. Talking about your grief with someone who is supportive and nonjudgemental, such as a grief therapist, can help you better process and make sense of your feelings. However, if you don't feel ready to talk to those close to you, definitely consider seeking a grief therapist who specializes in grief or trauma. Grief counseling can offer you a safe space for exploring your emotions and begin the process of healing.
Be Gentle with Yourself
Often, grief comes with intense feelings of sadness, guilt/shame, anger, or confusion. These feelings may ebb and flow unpredictably, making it challenging to navigate your daily life. It's okay to take a break or step back from activities that feel overwhelming or “activating”. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. Give yourself permission to take breaks when needed, practice self-care, and show compassion towards your emotions. Because there is no "right" way to grieve. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions without rushing them.
Avoid Suppressing or Avoiding the Grief
You might feel tempted to avoid your grief by opting for a distraction, overworking, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms. This may bring temporary relief, but they don't allow your grief to be validated. Taking the steps to face and express your grief, whether through journaling, grief counseling, or creative outlets, can help you move towards recovery.
How Grief Counseling Can Help You
Grief counseling in Los Angeles & throughout California is a powerful tool that provides a safe and supportive space to work through unprocessed grief. It can help you and other individuals navigate your emotions, understand your grief journey, and develop healthy coping strategies. Here’s how therapy can assist:
A Safe Space for Emotions: Grief can bring intense feelings like sadness, anger, and guilt. In therapy, you can express these emotions without fear of judgment. A grief therapist listens and supports you, reducing feelings of isolation.
Understanding Grief: Many people are unsure about the grieving process. Grief counseling educates you on how grief works and why it doesn't follow a linear path, helping relieve pressure and allowing you to grieve at your own pace.
Expressing Unprocessed Emotions: Whether through talking, writing, or creative outlets, therapy helps you safely express your grief, which is crucial for healing.
Challenging Negative Beliefs: Grieving often involves guilt and regret. A grief counselor helps you process these feelings, challenge irrational beliefs, and practice self-compassion.
Addressing Traumatic Grief: For grief tied to trauma, grief counseling helps process both the trauma and the grief, aiding in recovery from PTSD symptoms.
Integrating Grief into Life: Counseling can help you understand that grief shifts over time and supports you in finding meaning and adapting to life post-loss.
Developing Coping Skills: Learn strategies to manage grief reminders and build resilience, helping you handle grief-related challenges.
Enhancing Support Systems: Grief counseling can guide you in strengthening relationships affected by grief, encouraging open communication and empathy.
Grief counseling in Los Angeles and across California is about understanding and integrating your loss—it's not about "getting over it." It’s a path to healing, hope, and meaning, even when things feel toughest. When you acknowledge your unprocessed grief and seek support, you can take the first steps towards healing and a fulfilling life.
Practical Ways to Support Your Grief Journey
You might be seeking ways to support your grief journey beyond traditional grief counseling and emotional processing techniques. Writing can be a powerful tool for processing grief, especially when verbalizing emotions feels challenging. Begin by jotting down your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Don't worry about grammar or structure; just let your emotions flow onto the page. Over time, journaling may help you make sense of your grief and provide an outlet for expressing your experiences. Each entry is a step towards better understanding your emotions and granting yourself the grace to heal. Grief can often bring up feelings of judgment and guilt, like a sense that you “should” be doing better or moving on.
Be kind to yourself and recognize that grief has no timeline. It’s okay to not be okay. Allow yourself to feel without guilt, reminding yourself that it’s normal to experience grief in waves, even long after a loss. If guilt resurfaces, wave back at it, and continue with your day –you don’t have to become best buds. Surround yourself with gentleness and understanding, as this journey is uniquely yours, and it’s alright to proceed at your own pace. During intense grief, small acts of self-care can help you feel more grounded. Find a simple ritual that brings you comfort, whether it’s lighting a candle in remembrance, enjoying a morning cup of tea, or taking a quiet moment in nature. These mindful acts can help you honor your grief and reconnect with yourself, offering peace amid emotional turmoil. Remember, tender acts of self-kindness provide solace and reassurance during your grief journey.
Grieving is a Deeply Personal Journey that Requires Patience, Compassion, and an Open Heart.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only a path that is uniquely yours. Embrace the support available to you, whether through grief counseling, self-care practices, or the simple act of sharing your story with others who understand. Remember that moving forward takes time, and it is perfectly okay to move at your own pace. By acknowledging your emotions and seeking the comfort you need, you allow yourself the space to heal and eventually find hope and meaning in your life once more. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate through this process, and know that you are never alone.
Confront Your Grief in Grief Counseling in Los Angeles County & throughout California
If you are struggling with unprocessed grief, know that you have a safe and supportive space to begin your healing journey. Online grief counseling in Los Angeles County and throughout California offers specialized support for those experiencing loss. It provides effective tools for processing emotions, developing healthy coping strategies, and finding meaning after loss. I'm Kiana Nami, LCSW, a grief counselor in Los Angeles, and I understand where you’re coming from. The feelings you're experiencing right now don’t define you as "bad, broken, incomplete, crazy," or anything else you’ve recently labeled yourself as; they are a natural part of being human. Together, we can help you navigate through these emotions and find ways to honor your loved one while also finding peace within yourself. Ready to get started?
Learn more about me and my services
Confront your grief and begin the healing process today!
Other Counseling Services Offered by Kiana Naimi, LCSW
Besides grief counseling, I also offer other counseling services in Los Angeles and throughout California. I know that grief might be only one aspect of your life, and I offer a holistic approach to promoting overall emotional wellness. Other services I offer are trauma therapy and therapy intensives. I also specialize in different modalities such as Narrative Therapy, Attachment-Based Grief, Trauma Focused CBT, Somatic Embodiment & Regulation Strategies, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). You can enhance your resilience, your grit, and your well-being. Please explore my website to learn more about how I can support you on your journey towards healing and growth.