What If I Don’t Feel Sad? Understanding the Different Emotions of Grief
Grief is often painted with a broad brush of sadness. When we think about loss, we expect tears, sorrow, and a deep ache of longing. But what happens when those feelings don’t show up in the way we expect? What if, instead of sadness, there’s relief, numbness, or even a sense of freedom? If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
The truth is, that grief is far more complex than just sadness. It is a deeply personal experience that varies depending on the nature of the relationship, past experiences, and individual emotional wiring. If you’re struggling to understand why you don’t feel sad after a loss, it doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong.” It means your emotions are following their own path—and that’s okay. Going to grief therapy in Los Angeles can help you make sense of these emotions without feeling pressure to grieve in a certain way.
When Relief Takes the Place of Sorrow
One of the most unexpected emotions people feel after a loss is relief. This can be particularly common for caregivers who have spent years tending to a loved one with a chronic illness, such as dementia or terminal disease. The daily emotional, physical, and financial strain of caregiving can be immense. Watching someone you love suffer can take a toll, and when that suffering ends, a wave of relief can wash over you.
This relief doesn’t mean you didn’t love them or that you wished for their passing. It simply means that an incredibly challenging chapter of your life has come to a close. The exhaustion, stress, and worry that consumed your days are now gone, and your body and mind are adjusting to a new reality.
Some people feel guilt over this sense of relief, worrying that it makes them seem unfeeling or cold. But relief is just as valid a part of grief as sadness. It is a natural response to an overwhelming burden being lifted. Processing these emotions with a grief therapist can provide reassurance, helping you navigate the complexities of loss without self-judgment.
The Complex Grief of Losing an Abuser
For those who have lost someone who was abusive—whether a parent, partner or another significant figure—grief can be even more complicated. Society tells us that we should mourn the dead, and that we should miss those we lose. But what if the person who passed away was a source of pain rather than love?
For survivors of abuse, loss can bring a profound sense of freedom. Without that person present, there may be a sudden release from fear, control, or emotional distress that shaped their daily lives. This does not mean the loss is easy. Instead, it can stir up a storm of conflicting emotions—a mix of anger, sadness, regret, and relief. Some people mourn the relationship they wished they had rather than the one they actually experienced.
It’s important to remember that feeling a sense of liberation after the passing of an abuser does not mean your grief is invalid. It means you are finally stepping into a space, such as holistic grief therapy, where you can process what you endured, without their presence looming over you.
How Attachment Styles Shape Grief
The way we experience grief is often shaped by our attachment style—the emotional blueprint formed in childhood that guides how we connect with others. For those with secure attachments, grief may follow a more expected path of sadness, longing, and eventual adjustment. But for those with insecure attachment styles, grief can be far more complicated.
Anxious Attachment: People with this attachment style often fear abandonment and may experience heightened anxiety when faced with loss. Even if the relationship was strained, they might struggle with feelings of being left behind or unworthy of love.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant tendencies may suppress their grief, distancing themselves emotionally and convincing themselves that they don’t need to process the loss at all. They might experience a delay in grief or feel disconnected from their emotions.
Disorganized Attachment: If the lost relationship was both a source of comfort and pain, grief can be deeply conflicting. This is often seen in cases where a person loses someone who was both abusive and occasionally nurturing, leaving behind a tangled mix of grief, anger, and confusion.
Understanding how attachment influences grief can provide clarity on why certain emotions arise—or why they don’t. Talking through these emotions with a grief counselor in Sherman Oaks can also help in navigating the complex and sometimes contradictory feelings that come with loss.
Grief Is More Than Just Sadness
If you don’t feel overwhelming sadness after a loss, that doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. Grief can take the form of relief, numbness, anger, gratitude, or even a sense of newfound space to breathe. Each of these emotions is a valid part of the experience.
What matters most is allowing yourself to process your grief in your own way, without judgment or comparison. There is no universal timeline for grief, and no single “right” way to feel. The only thing you need to do is give yourself the space to acknowledge what comes up—whatever that may be.
If you’re struggling with unexpected emotions after a loss, consider talking with someone who can help you make sense of them. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a support group, or a grief therapist, having a space to process these feelings can be invaluable. Grief is as unique as the person experiencing it, and however, it shows up for you is completely valid.
Making Sense of Grief with Support in Sherman Oaks & Throughout Los Angeles
Grief doesn’t always look like what we expect. It isn’t just about mourning a loved one—it can be the loss of a relationship, a home, a career, or even a sense of security. Sometimes, grief shows up in unexpected ways, like relief, numbness, or confusion, leaving you unsure of how to process what you’re feeling. Grief therapy in Sherman Oaks & throughout Los Angeles provides space to explore these emotions without pressure or expectation, allowing you to process your loss in a way that feels right for you.
As an online grief counselor in Sherman Oaks, I offer support for all types of grief—whether it’s tied to a painful past, a sudden life change, or feelings that don’t seem to fit the traditional mold. Therapy isn’t about labeling your emotions as right or wrong—it’s about giving yourself permission to feel them, understand them, and find a way forward. You don’t have to explain or justify why your loss matters—if you’re struggling, that’s reason enough to seek support.
Learn More About Me and My Services
Grief doesn’t follow a rulebook, but that doesn’t mean you have to figure it out alone.
Other Therapy Services Offered By Kiana Naimi
While grief therapy is a core part of my work, I also provide a variety of therapeutic services for individuals across Los Angeles and California. Grief is often intertwined with other emotional experiences, and true healing means addressing all aspects of mental well-being. To support this, I offer trauma therapy and therapy intensives, creating space for deeper exploration and healing. My approach integrates multiple therapeutic modalities, including Narrative Therapy, Attachment-Based Grief, Trauma-Focused CBT, Somatic Embodiment & Regulation Strategies, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Reach out to learn more about how these approaches can support your healing journey.